


Philia

by Baamon5evr



Series: In The Way Of The Greeks [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blood and Injury, Friendship, Gay Sam Wilson, Gen, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-13 17:41:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16897074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: Steve gets unexpected help to escape his current situation, but one problem solved just leads to another.





	Philia

**Philia (Deep Friendship):** _Deep comradely friendship that developed between brothers in arms who had fought side by side on the battlefield._

* * *

Steve glanced around the noisy room, his bowed legs dragging a little under him, trying not to trip on the fabric of his overalls. It was lunch time at the orphanage and he was told he had to go to the mess hall today. It had been a week since his mother had tearfully relinquished him into the care of the nuns at this orphanage and previously Sister Helen had let him eat lunch with her as he was nervous and beside himself not being with his mother, but it had been a week and he was told he needed to associate himself more with the other boys in the orphanage.

He walked into the mess hall with as much bravado as his smaller-than-average 8-year-old frame could muster. He could see some of the boys’ glance at him curiously, some laughed and pointed, others glared, some looked away and ignored him. He looked around for a table to sit down at with his simple meal of porridge when he bumped into someone who stepped into his path.

He looked up to see a boy he recognized as Nicky glaring down at him. At night when they were sleeping and it was cold, he noticed that come morning time Nicky would have three thins sheets thrown across himself and there would be smaller, younger boys with nothing at all shivering away in their cots.

"Well, look who’s finally joined us. What? Sister Helen get bored with you, decide to let you come play with us?" Nicky teased. Steve glared up at him, not caring that the boy was about half a foot taller than him and about 20 pounds heavier.

"What? Are you jealous?" He asked boldly. Nicky scoffed in response.

"No. Why would I be jealous of you? We're in the same place, right? I heard you don't even have a father. I heard your mother's a loose one. Bet she doesn't even know who your father is."

"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about!" Steve exclaimed in indignation. His father was a hero, his mother had said so.

"I think you're the one who doesn't know anything. You don't even know how it works in here. So here it is: give me your food."

"No." Steve replied immediately, clutching his bowl to his chest.

"I said give it to me and if you don't I'll take it."

"No." Steve saw Nicky's fist ball up beside him.

"Give it to me now." Steve tilted his chin defiantly. He knew every one of the boys was watching and waiting to see what would happen and he wasn't going to let them think he was weak.

"I'm not giving you anything." He said, holding his bowl tighter. Nicky smiled a little, his fist clenching tighter.

"Fine. I'll show you what happens when you say no." Nicky made to throw a punch at him. Steve was stuck between dumping the porridge on him, thus wasting it and forcing him to go hungry, or contemplating if he had enough time to put it down before it got caught in the crossfire when another hand came out of nowhere and stopped Nicky's fist.

Steve turned to see a brunette boy with a mean look on his face glaring at Nicky.

"You think you're so tough, huh Nicky? Why don't you try picking on someone your own size?" The brunette said, stepping in front Steve. A part of Steve wanted to push this new boy aside, tell him he didn't need anyone protecting him. His Ma said he was strong and he was, he didn't need help with anything. Steve watched as Nicky glared at the new kid before walking past them, knocking his shoulder into the boy’s who stumbled a little into Steve but they weren't any worse for wear. The boy turned to Steve with a small smile.

"Don't worry about him, he's always like that. Maybe don't rile him up next time though."

"Why not? He's a bully, I don't like bullies. I'm not gonna do what he says." He replied stubbornly. The brunette glanced at him up and down.

"I'm just saying it might not be worth the fight." Steve bristled at that.

"I can fight, I'm stronger than I look." The brunette boy chuckled at that.

"Well, okay." He made to walk away and Steve felt his stomach drop a little. He was the only boy to talk to him without malice here.

"Hey." He called, catching up to the boy.

"Can I sit with you? I don't really know anyone here." He asked, ducking his head shyly. He didn't like asking people for things. His Ma always advocated being able to do things for yourself, not having to rely on others for everything. However, Steve didn't want to be alone in this place. He was going home eventually, his mother would never leave him in this place forever, but he still wouldn't mind a friend that wasn't an adult. The brunette seemed to assess him once more before shrugging.

"Sure." He said, nodding at Steve to follow him.

"I'm James by the way but I don't like that name much, there's tons of Jameses so everyone just calls me Bucky on account of my middle name, Buchanan. What about you?"

"I'm Steve."

"Good to meet you, Steve." The boy said with a toothy smile.

Steve would learn that Bucky was sent to the orphanage because his parents couldn't afford to feed him and his three sisters so he and his older sister Evelyn along with his younger sister Rose and Rebecca were sent away. He learned that Bucky was lonely too since he couldn't see his sisters, them being at Sister Agnes' Orphanage for girls and him being at Saint Peter's Orphanage for boys. He learned that Bucky was a top-notch guy, always nice to most and harsh to those who deserved it. He was extremely protective of Steve, which didn't always go over well given Steve's pride but they made it work somehow. He also learned what it meant to have a true friend and from that, even when they eventually went home, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes were inseparable.

~*~*~

Steve sat in his cell, his body humming with pent-up energy and rage. The HYDRA agents had marched him and Sam into the facility and promptly separated them, throwing Steve in a fortified cell and taking Sam off somewhere else. There was an armed guard outside his cell, just out of view but Steve could hear him shuffling around and fiddling with his weapon periodically. Despite that, he had already tried the cell door and found the bars were electrocuted. They had taken away all of his gear, including his shield, his phone, his binoculars and his pager and trying the bars had shorted out his smart watch, which held a GPS and a panic button feature to alert Natasha so he was alone. He had no idea how he was gonna get himself, and more importantly, Sam out of this.

He glanced around the cell, looking at the ceiling hoping for something, anything to help. It was aged, mossy stone that dripped slightly with each passing second from little cracks in the ceiling and a slightly rusted pipe attached to it, running out of the room. Steve could cave the roof, maybe use the pipe but that could get loud and messy and was too much of a gamble to make. The guard could just shoot him before he was able to fight him.

"You're quieter than I thought you'd be." The guard said suddenly. Steve turned slightly. The guard was leaning on a wall closer to him watching him.

"They said you'd probably be chattering away, trying to convince me to change my life choices or something." Steve shrugged in response.

"I don't really bother to waste my time or energy on Nazi assholes."

"I'm not a Nazi dude, my grandmother was Jewish."

"And you choose to work with a Nazi organization, makes sense."

"I was hesitant about them at first too. I mean, their history isn't the cleanest but the benefits are pretty good, all things considered." Steve glared at the man.

"What are they going to do with Sam?" He asked, subverting the small talk.

"Hell if I know. I'm here with you, aren't I?" Steve made to retort but before he could he noticed the water dripping from the ceiling faster and harder.

“If I had to guess though? They brought him closer to the lab so they’re probably gonna try their hand at experimenting. They like doing shit like that whenever they can get their hands on someone. It would make more sense to just experiment on you but then again what do they need you for? They already got their formulas which obviously work ‘cause they made their Winter Soldier, they just need another one is all. Most of them don’t survive though. I don’t care for all the experimenting. It’s a little fucked, but hey, it’s the job. Then, again maybe they’re just locking him up and torturing him for information because they thought he’d be an easier target. That could also be a possibility. Or they’re doing nothing, never know with them.” The guard rambled, not seeming to notice this new development which had enraptured Steve’s attention.

His gazed stayed on the ceiling as the water started coming down from other cracks too, dripping to the floor of the cell. Steve could hear something in the distance, a rumbling that he couldn’t readily identify. The guard didn't notice it yet but Steve knew it was coming closer and eventually he would twig to it. The cracks in the ceiling were slowly getting wider and Steve tensed up, not sure what the cause of this was but bracing himself for things to go sideways quickly. The sound got close enough for the guard to hear and he turned his head towards it just as the ground began shaking and the rumbling set into the walls.

Several things happened at once.

The cracks in the ceiling grew larger and began spurting water.

The walls began letting out debris with the rumbling.

Steve jumped up and grabbed onto the pipe attached to the ceiling.

A part of the ceiling caved in, letting in a rush of water and debris.

The room was loud, filled only with the sounds of explosions, rock crashing against metal and rushing water for a long while. Steve clung to the pipe the whole time, praying it wouldn’t break.

Once things had settled and the rumbling and collapsing stopped, Steve opened his eyes. The room was dusty but a couple of the lights were still active. He could see that the bars of the cell had fallen into the water that now covered the ground of the cell room. The guard was laid out on the ground next to the gate, his body twitching a little as he was electrocuted. Steve looked up and saw that thankfully the pipe, which lead out of the room, was attached to a stable portion of roof. He used the pipe to swing his way out of the room, landing on the ground outside the cell room. He looked up and down the halls, assessing the damage done. There were sections of the roof that were caved in and cracks in the walls and the floor. He could see a few guards that had the misfortune of getting buried under rubble and we're either dead or passed out. Steve didn't stick around to find out. He pulled a gun off one of the guards as he passed by, carefully picking his way through the destruction. He wasn't sure what caused this, an explosion of some sort most likely but he didn't know who set it off. Was it Sam? Either way, he needed to find Sam wherever he was.

He walked over fallen rocks and unstable ground as he made his way through the base but he was mostly just going it blind without his map. He came across some guards but they weren't much help. Either they were dead or passed out, or he had to fight them and thus couldn't get any information out of them. He made his way towards a corner cautiously, the gun held in front of him as he peeked around it. As he did he saw three men in the hallway fighting another man. The hall was dark and dusty and he couldn't see who was who so he didn't want to go in gun blazing, instead he crept up on the four men as one of the men knocked out one man and threw an elbow into another's face, sending him crashing to the ground. Steve grabbed the closest man who he could see wore a black armored suit. The man threw him back with an unnatural strength and went after the man in the hall viciously.

Steve knew who he was immediately as he watched him twirl his knife in his hand before slicing towards the remaining man. Steve watched motionlessly as the man fell to the ground, clutching his neck. Bucky turned then, pulling the helmet off his face. The smoke shrouded him slightly but Steve could still make him out. He stared up at him, not sure what to do or say. He'd searched for him for a year and now he was just here. He was here and he was glaring at Steve like he'd done something wrong.

"What are you doing here?" Bucky asked sharply.

"What?" Steve asked with confusion. Bucky wordlessly rose an eyebrow at him.

"We found out this base was here so we came to take it down... you're here."

"Yeah, obviously." Bucky said sarcastically, rolling his eyes before turning and strutting purposefully down the hallway. Steve scrambled to his feet to follow him.

"I've been planning this for two weeks and you show up and mess everything up, always have to jump into danger that doesn't concern you, huh Punk? I swear..." Bucky continued ranting under his breath but Steve ignored that, homing in on one word.

"Punk? You remember?" Bucky glanced at him but didn't answer.

"Where have you been? What have you been doing? Well, I know some of what you've been doing but—"

"Steve, I don't want to talk about it." Bucky said lowly. Steve wrung his hands together. He wanted to press him but Natasha had cautioned patience if he ever did find Bucky. She knew what it was to have your brain scrambled, pressing him would just agitate him and he'd lash out. Besides, there were other things he needed to focus on rather than beating a dead horse.

"Sam."

"What about him?"

"Where is he? Did you see him?" Bucky stopped then.

"They brought him here too?"

"Yeah. They separated us." Bucky shook his head.

"Damn it."

"What?" Steve asked.

"There's two prison areas here. One's on the West side, it's nothing special, just for holding. The other one's on the South side, near the lab. That's where I set the charges." Steve's eyes widened at that before he took off down the hallway. He could hear Bucky calling after him and soon after a hand pulled him back roughly, stopping him in his tracks. Steve made to shake him off but Bucky held fast.

"Stop it. You don't even know where you're going."

"I don't care. I need to find him." Steve replied, his voice betraying his panic.

"We will, okay? Together. I'll bring you there." Bucky promised, steadying his hands on Steve's shoulders and staring at him sincerely. Steve took a deep breath, trying to calm the anxiety he felt.

"Okay."

"Okay. Follow me, don't do anything stupid." Bucky moved in front of him, leading him down the hall. Steve followed, his heart in his chest, if anything had happened to Sam...

**~*~*~**

Sam walked, or limped, his way through the crumbling base. He had no idea where he was or which way to go but when he'd woken up in the room HYDRA had brought him to after the explosion, the roof had been halfway to caving down on him and everyone was dead, but he wasn't alone.

"You know, I'm pretty sure blindly walking through a base that's this close to collapsing is pretty up there on the list of dumb decisions in movies." Riley said, walking beside Sam. Obviously Sam was highly concussed or he had some internal bleeding in his brain or something and that was why Riley was there. A hell of a time for his brain to decide to conjure up his dead friend but Sam did his best to ignore him and focus on what was in front of him.

"You really planning to not talk to me?" Sam didn't reply.

"Fine. I can ignore you too." Riley retorted petulantly. The silence last maybe 45 seconds.

"Come on, Sammy. Talk to me." Riley whined.

"Don't call me that." Sam grumbled in response, almost as if by habit.

"Ha. I knew I'd get you to talk." Sam rolled his eyes but continued forward.

“Now that that’s out of the way, we should make some kind of plan.” Sam didn’t say anything in response.

“You’re a stubborn asshole.” Riley said with exasperation.

“And you’re dead.”

“That’s hurtful.”

“That’s truthful. I must have blood on the brain or something which means I have the get out of here sooner rather than later before I end up with you.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I happen to think I’m a pretty great guy.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“It’s not nice to speak ill of the dead.” Sam stopped up short and turned to look at Riley. He looked the same as he did last Sam saw him. He was wearing his fatigues and his wing-pack with his dog tags hanging from his neck. His blonde hair was wind swept and his green eyes were alight with mirth and mischief. Sam didn’t have a whole lot of pictures of Riley. The picture on his mantle of the two walking together, taken unbeknownst to them, was the most treasured one because it helped Sam to try to drown out the nightmare images his mind conjured up of what Riley’s body probably looked like after getting hit. Sam didn’t recover his body but the other PJs had. Riley had a closed casket funeral but that didn’t stop Sam’s brain from imagining what he might have looked like, broken and mangled and bloody.

Sometimes that false image drowned out real memories of Riley, overtook his face until Sam couldn’t remember what he looked like. He had other pictures, some things Chad had sent to him and others that Riley’s sister had sent as well but they were too painful to look at. It hurt too much to see Riley smiling and playful and alive and so Sam put them in a box in his closet and locked them away. But here was this image of Riley standing before him looking just like he did before the RPG hit him.

“Why are you here? Why now? It’s been years.” Riley shrugged in response.

“I’m here for you.”

“I don’t need you.”

“Don’t you though? Why are _you_ here?” Sam’s rose an eyebrow at that.

“I kind of don’t have a choice, being kidnapped and all.”

“I don’t mean here in this base, I mean here in Montreal. Why are you here? Why are you running around the globe with Captain America trying to find a guy who tried to kill you more than once and who has killed countless people?”

“That wasn’t his fault. He was brainwashed.” Sam protested.

“But he still did it. And I guess I get it in a small way, sympathy for the devil kind of thing. Lucifer was an angel once upon a time or whatever, but still a year is a long time to be doing this. There are people you could be helping in DC or you could be with your family or working things out with Misty or getting your love life together and instead you’re here with Steve. And what happens when this is over anyway?”

“What do you mean?”

“What happens when he finds Bucky and they run off into the sunset together? Where does that leave you? Alone and harboring your feelings for a man who doesn’t return them, feelings I know you have because come on, look who you’re talking to.” Sam stared at the blonde for a moment.

“I don’t remember you being this blunt.”

“I don’t have a whole lot of time here so blunt seems the way to go.” Sam looked away.

“If that’s the case, then that’s the case. I’m not going to get in the way of Steve and Bucky.”

“Yeah, I can see you’re ready for that eventuality. But are you ready for the other one?”

“What other one?”

“What happens if he does return your feelings? Well, then you’d have to deal with it and if there’s one thing we know you have a hard time dealing with it’s your feelings.” Sam scoffed at that, walking away down the hall.

“You’re not Riley, you’re a delusion which just tells me that I need to find Steve or get to a doctor.” He was feeling woozy, confused and irritable and he didn’t have time or patience for whatever head-trauma induced hallucination Riley was or whatever he was saying about him and Steve.

“And there he goes: Sam Wilson, Master of Avoidance. Sure, he talks a good game about being mentally healthy but he’s just as fucked up as the rest of us. He’s just better at hiding it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sam asked, dodging sparking cords hanging from the ceiling and cracks in the floor.

“Oh come on, man. You loved Misty but you knew something wasn’t entirely right, you couldn’t face that so you ran from it. Your attraction to men in college, you ran from that. Your feelings for me, you pushed them down and decided that my feelings for you were just feelings for Chad that I was putting on you. You’ve done your best to keep every relationship you’ve been in since you’ve been back shallow and short. And now, with Steve, you’re doing the same thing you did with me.”

“I am protecting myself and Steve. There’s no use getting deep into something that’s just gonna crash and burn anyway.”

“How do you know that?”

“I am not having this conversation with you.” Sam replied, clutching a wall as his world suddenly became blurry.

“Sit down before you pass out.” Riley ordered, standing above him. Sam sighed before sliding down the wall. He felt Riley slide down next to him.

“I’m only saying this because I care: you’re an idiot.” The blonde said after a moment. Sam rolled his eyes and instantly regretted it as his head throbbed.

“You’ve given so much of yourself to others, why won’t you let yourself be happy?” Riley asked. Sam sighed to himself.

“I don’t know.”

“You should get on that. It’s really annoying having to appear as a figment of your addled imagination just to put you in place.” Sam glanced over at Riley, taking him in.

“Obviously I’d like to be out of this crumbling base, but it’s really nice to see you.”

“Don’t go making this a habit.” Riley warned. Sam chuckled a little in response.

“I miss you and I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Riley asked.

“… Everything. Invalidating your feelings and mine. Not saving you.”

“I got hit. It happens. We were fighting a war. I saved a lot of people before it though, I was always proud of that.”

“I know. And you and Chad had a good few years together.”

“We did. It wasn’t all bad. You just have to remember that sometimes. You were my best friend. I was glad to have met you. I don’t know what I would do if I hadn’t.”

“Stay with me?” Sam asked, leaning his head back against the wall. Falling asleep with a concussion was inadvisable but Sam could feel his body growing heavier, his eyes struggling to stay open.

“Of course. Until you don’t need me anymore.”

“I’m always gonna…”

**~*~*~**

Steve usually liked to be in the lead of things but in this case, he let himself walk behind Bucky as they trapezed through the smoky, smoldering base. They passed bodies of HYDRA agents buried under rubble, others who were injured and begged for help when they passed and others who were up and active who he and Bucky easily fought off. Honestly, it was mostly Bucky fighting them off, Steve’s mind was too preoccupied with worry about where Sam was and whether he was okay. This base was crawling with HYDRA agents and was crumbling around them and Sam was in the area of the base where the charges went off.

This wasn’t what Steve was expecting when he and Sam had gone looking for Bucky. He should’ve known better than to expect anything to be simple anymore but he wasn’t expecting Bucky to show up at the same time that Sam was nowhere to be found. He had so many questions for his friend and concerns he wanted to voice and pleas he wanted to make but all of that got stuck in his throat when he remembered that Sam was somewhere in here, possibly injured, possibly dead thanks to a blast Bucky set off. And Steve didn’t blame him, neither of them could’ve known the other was there. There was some evidence Bucky might be in the area, but past events had taught Steve not to hope to catch up to him and so they focused on the base instead and now multiple oversights on his part led to this. Steve knew he was jumpy and short, he didn’t want to talk, he wanted to keep moving and all the HYDRA agents were more of a hindrance than anything else.

“Are you alright?” Bucky asked after Steve dispatched a HYDRA agent in a fashion more brutal than was probably necessary. Steve gave the brunette a look at that. Bucky held his hands up in surrender.

“Just a question.”

“Let’s just go.”

“We’re going to find him.” Bucky assured him.

“We are because I’m not leaving here without him.” Steve said firmly, more of an affirmation to himself than anything else.

“I know. You love him.” Steve paused there, looking over at Bucky.

“I’ve been around, I’ve seen you guys together. I know what you look like when you’re in love, seen it enough times.” Steve shook his head in response lightly.

“Well, Sam thinks I’m in love with you and he’s bound and determined for that to be true. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We need to find him alive. I should’ve never even had him with me this long. I was just being selfish, keeping him in a situation I knew was dangerous from the start.” Bucky was silent for a moment.

“I didn’t mean for him to get hurt.”

“I know that. This is not what I’m talking about anyway. Let’s just call this the latest in a long line of ways I’ve single-handedly put Sam’s life in danger.”

“He chose some of this too, you know? You can’t just take away his choice. He made a decision.” Bucky said. Steve knew why recognizing Sam’s agency in the matter was important to Bucky and Steve acknowledged that but he still could’ve tried harder to put his chips on the table when he felt things begin shifting between he and Sam but it happened so gradually that he almost didn’t notice and that shift compromised everything about this mission they were now on. Steve was already too close to this because of Bucky’s involvement and now with Sam…

The point was staying on this course was inadvisable. The situation they found themselves in now certainly helped to exemplify that.

“How much longer until we get there?” Steve asked impatiently after a moment.

“Soon.” Steve sighed but held back any comment he was going to make as Bucky held up a hand to stop him walking. He pointed around the corner and held up two fingers. Steve nodded, bracing himself for a fight. He and Bucky crept around the corner only to see two men in tactical gear standing above another man. They were poking him with the muzzle of their rifle. Steve knew immediately that it was Sam. He raised the gun he'd gotten off another HYDRA agent and shot at both men without hesitation. They stumbled back and hit the floor. Steve ignored them and ran down the hall towards Sam's limp form. There was a gash above his eyebrow and multiple bruises on his face and forehead. He seemed to be completely out. Steve shook him lightly to wake him before realizing that was probably a bad idea if he had a head injury. Steve scooped Sam up and nodded at Bucky.

"He needs to go to a hospital." Bucky looked at him indecisively.

"Bucky!"

"Follow me." Steve ran after Bucky with Sam in his hands, cautious not to jostle him. Above all else, Sam needed to be okay.

**~*~*~**

Steve sat in the hospital waiting room, his leg bouncing against the floor as he sat on edge waiting for any news on Sam. He and Bucky had burst into the emergency room with him an hour before and the doctors had taken him and ran off. He told them what he could about Sam’s condition without giving too much information. He called Natasha once he got to a payphone to fill her in but held off on calling Sam’s family, not wanting to worry them before it was necessary. Since then he’d been alternating between pacing and sitting impatiently.

He looked up as Bucky’s metal hand came down on his thigh, hindering his foot’s bouncing.

“You’re driving me insane.” Bucky said simply when Steve met his eyes. Steve noticed that Bucky looked tired. There were bags and purple bruises under his eyes and there was an overall air of exhaustion over him.

“You look awful.” Steve replied. Bucky scoffed out a laugh at that.

“You don’t look much better.”

“It’s been a day.”

“You’re telling me.” The two were silent for a moment, the sounds of the hospital going on between them.

“I’m sorry." Bucky said after a moment.

"For what?"

"For... everything. Sorry doesn't really feel like enough but..." Bucky trailed off then, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Steve glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

"You never really liked apologizing, you remember that?" Steve recalled, staring straight ahead.

"It made you feel strange. Not because you didn't feel remorse or regret or anything but you were also so... I don't think I ever came up with a word to describe you, you were just you. You felt deeply a lot, you took things personally but you also didn't like showing to much of who you really were to people. I figure I was lucky because I knew you since you were a kid and I was the same way as you so it wasn't like I could call you out on anything, but it worked for us because we understood each other so we didn't have to jump through hoops trying to decipher one another. But apologizing was always an event for you because it usually meant having to put yourself out there, lay yourself on a line in front of people and you didn't trust people so it always took a lot. I remember your mother, Winifred, sat us both down one day. Someone had given us the sorry vs apologizing speech and we went around apologizing for just about anything so she decided she wanted to clarify for us. She told us that apologizing was all well and good but there were three things we shouldn't ever apologize for or carry on our conscience: who we really are, someone else actions and things that are just beyond our control. I've..." Steve shook his head, rubbing a hand over his face.

"I've tried to remember that, hold true to that. It's hard sometimes to not feel like everything is down to you, like you couldn't have changed something to fix everything, to make things better but sometimes it's just really not in your control. You weren't in control of yourself, Bucky. HYDRA fucked with your head and made you do things and now you're going to have to live with the memories which... sucks but it's not yours to apologize for not really."

"Maybe, maybe not but these memories aren't just going to go away. I can't... sleep at night without seeing... it was me, it was my hands that did it, my body. I wanted to do it. I remember that. Sometimes it was because there were bad people, sometimes it was because I just wanted to be out of the cold for a little while but sometimes it was just because I was angry and I wanted to take it out on something. I didn’t care who was innocent or who wasn’t. That’s not going away. Ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away, ignoring you didn’t make you go away.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing? Ignoring me?”

“Avoiding is probably more accurate.”

“Why?”

“Why? Do you remember what happened on that helicarrier? I could’ve killed you, I could’ve killed Sam then. I can’t… I’m not the person I was back then anymore and maybe you’re not either but we can’t just go back to how things were.”

“What does that mean?” Steve asked, his heart stuttering in his chest a little.

“It means that I need time and space to figure myself out and you should take time and space to do the same. You should focus on yourself and Sam and your team or whatever you’re doing. Your life shouldn’t be revolving around me. You have this new life and it wasn’t expected but it’s here. You should be making the most out of it, learning new things, relaxing, living. Not fighting so much that you miss things that are more important. That’s what I want. When the time’s right we’ll see each other again but for now...”

“Yeah, I get it.” Steve replied quietly. It wasn’t what he wanted, he didn’t want to let Bucky go after searching for him for this long but he respected his wishes and he had other things to focus on as well.

“I’ll stay until the doctors come out with news but I’ve gotta get back to the base, clean up what I can.” Bucky continued. Steve nodded beside him.

“Thank you.” He mumbled, his gaze burning on the wall before him. There were memories long past flashing through his head, moments with his mother, Bucky, Alan, Tosh, Peggy, Erskine, the Commandos. They seemed so far away, like distant dreams or things that never really happened but at the same time felt like just yesterday. But he also had more recent memories with Sam, Natasha, the Avengers, Sam’s family, even with SHIELD. It wasn’t all bad, there were moments he would cherish, he didn’t know if he would give everything he had now up and go back to his old life, vice versa he didn’t think he could throw his old life away like it never happened for the sake of his new life. But he didn’t really have to, Bucky wasn’t going forever it was just for a while and Sam was here waiting for him, Natasha was a call away. He wasn’t alone.

He looked over as Bucky grabbed his hand, the other man wasn’t looking at him but his flesh hand, squeezed Steve’s slightly. Steve squeezed back lightly before turning to the wall again, waiting for any word on Sam’s condition.


End file.
